So lately a lot has been happening in the news…………. I will not elaborate on that. With everything happening in my life going to therapy attempting to work on my trauma, trying to balance my mood(s), and so on. I start to think about why people wait so long to talk about the hurt that they’ve experienced and while I cannot speak for them and while I was not there and cannot say what did or did not happen allegedly. I start to think about my experiences and why now.
If I could just ignore everything pretend it just did not happen. As if it did not affect any part of my life or my relationships romantic or otherwise. But the truth is it does affect those things it effects all those things. I have very rigid boundaries, trust no one, don’t form important bonds with people, don’t know how to appropriately express my feelings/ communicate, hypervigilant as fuck, am forgetful, paranoid, always preparing for the worst, make a mess to clean a mess, drink to forget, dissociate, avoid, minimize, isolate, nightmares, flashbacks, as my therapist likes to say I’m very activated, the list goes on but you don’t have all day and I certainly don’t have all night. So, let us move on shall we.
Of course, I had therapy today like I do every Thursday at 2:30pm and part of the topic was focused on why now. So why now? I ultimately go to therapy for me and my constant need for self-improvement, purpose, and lack of direction in life (yikes). Lately I have felt like I owe myself some happiness and fulfilment in life, I owe it to myself to be the best version of myself that I can be.
I know that I will never get an apology and honestly, I do not want one at this point in my life. It would not resolve anything for me, and it would not make me feel better. What happened, happened and nothing can change it. It is part of my reality and I must acknowledge it.
There is a quote that goes something like this “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that make the existing model obsolete.” -Buckminster Fuller. I cannot change the past nor today because it has already happened, but I can change how I choose to move forward, how I progress, and the life I choose to live. I genuinely believe happiness is a choice and I want that. I could stand to be happier. So how do I go about forming this new model of myself. I must forgive myself and that is not going to be an easy process. Yet I am willing to do it so that must count for something.
I am signing off ladies, gents, unicorns, beings from another world or whomever you choose to identify as this is Teneshia La’Rae from Bipolar Daily!
