As I scroll through Instagram; I see pictures of beautiful women who are tall, skinny, nice plump booties and perfect teeth. I look at myself and wish Damn! I wish I could look like that. As a little girl I was obsessed with barbie dolls. I would play all day with my perfect little doll who I idolized.
She was fair skinned, skinny, long blonde hair that shook as I made her walk with attitude. I remember telling my mom “I want to look like barbie”. At the time I don’t think my mom thought anything of it because most young girls go through phases.
We went to a wig store. I bought four wigs one was blonde and real long, another was brunette, which was wavy, and a red one that came down to my shoulders and my mom picked out a brown one that was braided. After awhile I started wearing the blonde wig everywhere. Imagine an African American seven-year old who is chubby in a wheelchair with a bright ass blonde wig. Crazy! I know but that’s where my self-esteem started coming in sadly.
At seven years old I didn’t feel pretty. There was one time where I even made up a name. I told someone my name was Jamie that I had met at a Pokémon Tournament which was held at a Barnes And Noble that. The funny part was that my dad told her my actual name, yet she still believed me HA! I guess crazy knows crazy.
The point I’m trying to make is that I have never felt comfortable in my skin. I have never accepted who I am and what I look like. Last week I had a whole meltdown because I felt like my cheeks were getting fat. I thought it was the end of the world. My wife sat me down and helped me come to my senses.
Yes, my cheeks may be getting puffier but it’s a healthy change. I have a bad habit of not eating that much. I don’t eat breakfast or three balanced meals a day. My diet usually consist of maybe one meal, a couple of snacks, coffee or an energy drink. When that happens I start to look like a skeleton. In my not rational mind I think I look fine. I idolize as I’ve said before models. I even know their measurements. The average model’s measurements are Waist – 23inch, Hips- 32inch, Bra – 24 B or C. My Waist measures at 35 inches, Hips are – 35 inch and Bra size is 37 C cup. Yes, I’m an obsessive measurer.
The models like in the Victoria Secret Magazine have perfect jaw lines, their breast sit at the right height, they have tight stomachs without stretch marks/ back rolls, clear skin, and they have perfect hair; which I know is overprocessed or loaded with extensions. I have tried to mimic their look to the point that it severely affects my weight even though that is not my intention. My body type is different and not just because I have a physical disability. I know deep down that if I was meant to have those physical attributes I would.
It is sad that we live in a country that bombards us with images of what good hair is or what you should or should not look like. I don’t have the same metabolism or genetic makeup like they do so I have to stop comparing myself to others and love myself. I am Golda! A beautiful black young lady with gorgeous nappy hair who’s not proportional. Signing Off! Don’t forget to love yourself for you <3
Golda Rae
